All worries come from fear

I am afraid of instability. It's the reason I plan my entire life in a little compact book and know exactly what I am doing 2 weeks ahead of time. It's why I can't make plans with friends or family without consulting the planner first. Why I constantly look for a job with better pay, having enough money is also a great part of the stability feeling. The list goes on. I unfortunately have little control over this factor, so I feel like working out is the one thing I do have control over. It might be why I am doing better at sticking with it. Since I have discovered this fear I have been trying to create stability in life and not worry about the things I can't change. Continuing to apply and seek better opportunites career-wise is what I CAN DO. Making someone hire me or give me more opportunities is something I CAN'T DO.

I have the added goal of scheduling less things also. This Thursday is the last day I am scheduled for OT in BFE. And I won't be volunteering for a while. Additionally once I have my old roomie's wedding out of the way I will be strictly protecting my free time. Now this is a huge task indeed and is for no other purpose than to protect my sanity and maybe breathe a little better. I need to quit overbooking myself. I enjoy being busy but there is a limit and there is no reason for me to be this busy. Used to I felt like if you weren't busy then you weren't being productive and that was a sign of laziness or loser-ness on some level. Now I am slowly learning that enjoying my free time is enjoying life. That is not to say I won't do anything during my free time, but just not plan for the fun as much, let it happen more naturally.

We'll see how this goes, it has never been my nature but people do have the ability to change so they say.

Can't stop talking about it

I think I must get annoying to those around me when I start talking about Boot Camp. I am obsessed. I love it so much. The weight isn't falling off like I wanted it to. But it's coming off and staying off. Before I lost like 4 lbs and it would fluctate up and down a pound or two. After losing the 8 this last month I find that I kind of haven't gone up or down AT All. Now we did take a week off in between each camp but the fact that in that week break I gained nothing, lost nothing and all I did was monitor the calorie intake and worked out a little, that was an accomplishment.

Waiting to buy the dress for Kelley's wedding wasn't an option, I found a dress on sale and it was pretty. So I tried it on and was really cute and flattering. I doubt the next 2 weeks will make that much of a difference.

I leave for California in a month. So that's one more month of working out hard. I will see my brother for the first time since April-ish and I hope that he can tell I have been working at it. It's also very exciting to think that maybe I can buy some new clothes for the trip. Man what I would give to be in a size smaller in jeans. I can't wait for that milestone. I have 1 more pound to lose and I will be at my first milestone!

I will blog about it, in efforts of not talking about it as much.

Success!

I went for my fitness assessment this a.m. gearing up for my second month of bootcamp. Ow ow! So excited, so pumped. Everyone should do this. Anyways.

Showed up on time and got my measurements, and happy to report the following:

Before After

Weight: You don't kneed to know that. The difference of 8 lbs.

Body fat% 34.0 33.5

BMI: 32.7 31.5

Waist Line: 36 35

Hips: 45 44


So pretty happy with all that. In fact pretty proud! Then it was time to move to the fitness portion of the assesment. And the results are as follows.

34 push-ups in 90 seconds 48 push ups in 90 seconds

27 sit-ups in 90 seconds 37

Plank hold: 35 seconds 1 minute!

Obstacle course: 8:21 7:35

Month two begins on Monday and thus will start my frugal calorie intake again. I am so excited. Shooting for the full 10 lbs this month. How awesome would that be? That means that if I could keep going at about that rate by November I could be pretty much at my goal weight. I am ridiculously happy and excited. At the end of month 2 I get to go shopping for a black dress for K's wedding and I am sincerely hoping I am in a new size bracket. Anyways just wanted to update my progress!!

Some days I just don't.

You those days where you just don't. You don't want to talk, you don't want to do your duties, you don't want to dress in clothes suitable for public. You just want to exist. Watch blankly at the television or listen without really listening to some music or surf blindly on the internet for nothing. That's what I feel like at the present moment.

Anyways regarding boot camp; successfully completed one month! I loved it so much I signed up for a second month and that will start Monday!!! Woo hoo this week break was making me so nervous. I was afraid I was going to become undisciplined and go back to old habits. I did go to Sonic yesterday however I worked out with my mom and taught her some boot camp exercises. I got on the scale this morning and still not dissappointed. I lost a total of 8 lbs in a month. That is huge for me. It took me 3 months just to lose ten at the beginning of the year and I wasn't having near as much fun. I am looking at a number I haven't seen in a long time!!! In total for the year I have lost 15 lbs. There is no stopping me now! I have muscles too in my arms that I didn't have before. Yup I am becoming a machine.

I'm Pretty

I looked in the mirror this morning after wiping off the excess mascara that didn't quite wash off in the shower and thought immeadiately to myself, "I'm pretty." It was the first time in a very long time that I thought it, said it and meant it. What a very nice feeling! Maybe my transformation bootcamp really was more than just a physcial transformation. That was what Mike, our camp instructor had said in the beginning and it seems to be ringing true. I love love love how I am feeling, now if only the world could be stricken of all calories it would be joyous!

Small pet peeve

I forgot. So I can't workout tonight. :( I am very upset about it but I have an obligation that I can put off no longer. Anyways so I am talking to J about it and he is acting all disappointed and crap over me not making it tonight. He mentions the money I have spent and how it is a shame I am missing a class when it's only 3 classes per week. Blah blah blah! I mention how I am not a fan of him making me feel bad when I feel plenty bad on my own. His argument becomes I am not dissappointed in you but for you. You know I bit my tongue through that conversation. But I felt like telling him, "Who is doing this?" I am doing this and I am sure as hell not doing it for anyone else but me. And when I see him busting his a$$ in the Texas heat for even one day a week then he can give me the "Oh I am so dissappointed" speech. I don't know why but it really pissed him off. I understand he is excited that I am doing this and who wouldn't get excited about their significant other getting healthy and getting in shape. I know when he told me worked out last week I was so excited. But if he doesn't work out one day or if he doesn't eat something he is supposed to one day I am not going to say crap. He sees what I am doing, if he wants to use it for inspiration, motivation then great. But I will not do more than what I am doing unless I WANT TO! And I won't let anyone discount my efforts. Maybe I am overreacting. I will leave it. But he better keep his trap shut.

Good Morning Loves!

I am in a very good mood today. I did something I wasn't going to do until Sunday morning but I couldn't resist. Looking in the mirror the last few days I just keep saying to myself, "I look thinner." So finally I wanted to see if it was just my imagination. Nope 3 more lbs gone! So in 3 weeks I have lost 6lbs. That is a healthy drop and I am happy!!!! I am proud beyond proud. That is no pills, no taking away all the foods I love, no counting calories. Just simply eating healthy and working my a$$ off 3 days a week. I wish I could go to 4 days per week but I live to far away for that. Too many days getting home at 7:45p.m. Not doable for Maria. Anyways I signed up for the next class. I look forward to orientation for that class so I can see if I lost inches and if I have a better time on the obstacle course. For the most part I have seen a huge change in the amount of pain I have been carrying in my back. The first 2 weeks I went with very minimal pain. Now this week has been a littl different. I didn't miss the pain in my lower back at all, I have found jumping and Maria do not go together.


Getting a hold of the SPCA is a pain in the ass. I am trying to get my little darling Neutered tomorrow but they certainly are not making it easy. Anyways. Take care all!