Monday, August 23, 2010

Stress Eating

I wish I could be one of those people that when I get stressed I decide to avoid food at all costs. However I am not. It's a comfort and I enjoy it, that's one reason I got here in the first place. All this business going with my brother really took a lot from me this weekend. I am trying my best not to let it consume me, but how can you not? It has consumed my parents and I live with them. I stayed gone all weekend and that helped some on the thinking, not so much on the eating. Dinner with my wish family, drinks with J and friends and big ol' Sunday breakfast. I feel awful.

I thought it would be ok because I would be going to work out this evening but nooo I screwed up and volunteered to work this evening. I had thought that I would go to the morning camp session but completely forgot I was even coming in later so that threw a wrench in the entire thing. I re-scheduled to go on Thursday morning but I really wanted to go today because I knew it would make me feel better.

I will be running away this weekend to K's wedding. That will mostly be exciting because J and I will be driving together and coming back together, taking our sweet time on the way back.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ay Ay Ay

So my baby brother, the boy who can tug at my heart strings and pretty much make me want to do anything I can for him is putting himself into rehab today. :(

About 4 years ago he got entangled into a mess of meth. He and my other brother were doing this horrible nasty drug. The baby however got pulled over one day and caught with less than a gram of it. He winds up on probation. Of course because he is on probation he manages to steer clear of it for years.

Two years a go we dealt with him being placed into a jailed rehab of sorts. He was in jail but it was a section meant for young people who had been charged with a drug charge of some sort. Now he wound up here not because he failed a drug test or failed to show up for a probabtion meeting. His officer whom was the wife of a former employer didn't like him too much and she had managed to get him to sign up for this jailed program. He hadn't done drugs in years and his jail time was due to trickery so his lawyer managed to get him out before Christmas.

Push to present day. The lovely middle child managed to get his butt suspended from school about 3 months ago and he had to come home. He came home and in the brief time he was here he managed to get the baby hooked up with a meth dealer again. Damn damn damn! Three months later the baby can't shake the habit again, he knows he is in trouble. Trying a vain attempt to change his number and keep away from the riff raff, he gets desperate and goes through old phone records to find Mr.Dealer's number. So every Wednesday he meets up with his dealer, spends his money on this drug and then spends the rest of the week coming up with excuses to borrow money from friends. His friends who have no idea what he is doing as he hides in closets to perform the duty of consuming this drug. Even his girlfriend whom he spends countless hours with has no idea.

Yesterday he relays to me all of the above along with he lost his job. He had been suggested for a promotion and failed a UA, of course. The owner of the company, luckily, is his best friend's Dad. He gave him the deal of "you get help and you can have your job back." So I had to keep my lips sealed last night as he didn't want to make a huge scene with our parents. I didn't sleep worried about it all night and this morning I had the pleasure of informing my mother. She held it together. But I know she broke when I left. She had hoped this was behind us. She thought him spending time in jail was enough of a scare. And now she worries if he will be successful and what will happen when her other son returns from California.

Pray for my family.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Planning Nothing is Hard

This week I am working my 7-day rotation. That's always a very fabulous time. I look forward to the days when this rotation no longer exists, it can't get here fast enough.

My time will be spent at work and thus far the only thing on the agenda is a wine night with my Hilary. This will consist of she and I sitting around her APT sipping on some wine. My wine rack is full of colorful reds and greens and whites glistening from the kitchen window begging to be consumed. Well consume them we will this Thursday. At most I am thinking about buying some cheeses and some fruit and just indulging that way vs. making a big expensive meal.

Saturday I am supposed to be going to a fancy restaurant in Ft.Worth with my Wish Kid's family. I am looking forward to that. Her Dad is an avid photographer and actually hooked me up with a SLR 35mm. I know I know who uses film anymore?! I am just playing but I can tell he is excited that I am doing it and I have always wanted to mess around with photography and I will eventually get the DSLR.

So operation do nothing, not working out so far but at least it's only 2 adventures vs. one for every day of the week. I think my Sunday is completely free. No work, no boot camp no nothing.

I will get better at planning nothing.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

All worries come from fear

I am afraid of instability. It's the reason I plan my entire life in a little compact book and know exactly what I am doing 2 weeks ahead of time. It's why I can't make plans with friends or family without consulting the planner first. Why I constantly look for a job with better pay, having enough money is also a great part of the stability feeling. The list goes on. I unfortunately have little control over this factor, so I feel like working out is the one thing I do have control over. It might be why I am doing better at sticking with it. Since I have discovered this fear I have been trying to create stability in life and not worry about the things I can't change. Continuing to apply and seek better opportunites career-wise is what I CAN DO. Making someone hire me or give me more opportunities is something I CAN'T DO.

I have the added goal of scheduling less things also. This Thursday is the last day I am scheduled for OT in BFE. And I won't be volunteering for a while. Additionally once I have my old roomie's wedding out of the way I will be strictly protecting my free time. Now this is a huge task indeed and is for no other purpose than to protect my sanity and maybe breathe a little better. I need to quit overbooking myself. I enjoy being busy but there is a limit and there is no reason for me to be this busy. Used to I felt like if you weren't busy then you weren't being productive and that was a sign of laziness or loser-ness on some level. Now I am slowly learning that enjoying my free time is enjoying life. That is not to say I won't do anything during my free time, but just not plan for the fun as much, let it happen more naturally.

We'll see how this goes, it has never been my nature but people do have the ability to change so they say.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Can't stop talking about it

I think I must get annoying to those around me when I start talking about Boot Camp. I am obsessed. I love it so much. The weight isn't falling off like I wanted it to. But it's coming off and staying off. Before I lost like 4 lbs and it would fluctate up and down a pound or two. After losing the 8 this last month I find that I kind of haven't gone up or down AT All. Now we did take a week off in between each camp but the fact that in that week break I gained nothing, lost nothing and all I did was monitor the calorie intake and worked out a little, that was an accomplishment.

Waiting to buy the dress for Kelley's wedding wasn't an option, I found a dress on sale and it was pretty. So I tried it on and was really cute and flattering. I doubt the next 2 weeks will make that much of a difference.

I leave for California in a month. So that's one more month of working out hard. I will see my brother for the first time since April-ish and I hope that he can tell I have been working at it. It's also very exciting to think that maybe I can buy some new clothes for the trip. Man what I would give to be in a size smaller in jeans. I can't wait for that milestone. I have 1 more pound to lose and I will be at my first milestone!

I will blog about it, in efforts of not talking about it as much.